sanz.shares: The Waiting Room

Babies crying, machines beeping and my mind racing. This is my fifth time sitting in the hospital waiting room for the same reason and I'm feeling sick of it now. Despite the fact that I'm to blame right now for this situation, the anger towards everybody else keeps rising to the extent where its uncontrollable.

The waiting room. 

It's amazing how much you learn and witness just by sitting in the hospital waiting room for a few hours, nine hours maximum in my experience. The amount of attention and care for everybody around makes you feel at home; the chaotic noise still irritates you within. 

The exhausted eyes of everyone surrounding me, innocent beautiful infants at discomfort surrounding me and alert nurses surrounding me. I feel safe. Calmly sitting down on solid seats with Jessie J singing "it's okay not to be okay" in my ears constantly, I wait patiently for another doctor to come and approach me. In all honesty, I couldn't be any more happier and relieved that I'm still breathing right now. Not meaning that I feel on top of the world as my issues haven't disappeared nor have the constant anxiety that I'm feeling, but it's okay. 

With numbing cream sitting on my skin smoothly, I've been told to wait fourty five minutes in order to be seen by the doctor as well as the mental health team. Physically, I almost feel perfectly fine yet mentally, it differs slightly. I'm in the position where I'm clueless to what my mind is saying to me, everything is so unclear but I'm sat with the hope that everything can become clear to me shortly. 

I am going to get through this. I don't know about you but I know for a fact that I can do this. 

I'm absorbing the atmosphere around me and all of a sudden I feel amazed, utterly amazed. The aura that's given off by this place touched me, warming my heart along with my loved ones coming to mind. I have so much potential, how could I not believe it. Why do I not give myself the appreciation that I deserve? Why am I my worst enemy? 

It doesn't have to be like this, I keep thinking. Don't blame yourself for this Sanyha, I keep thinking. 

Beautifuls, it doesn't have to be like this. I don't have to be here again. I could be reaching my goals and aspirations instead. I never know, I could become a successful YouTuber; I could meet and work with Habiba Da Silva; I could help young victims of mental health through art; I could bring up a beautiful family of my own; I could inspire many people out there with what I have to give, I could do anything. 

I'm showing you that I'm living proof of having to go through such hardship but bravely and strongly getting through this no matter how hard it is. It's not going to be perfect and it's not going to be easy. That's life for you, as cliché as it sounds. I promise you my beautifuls, you are so important to many people even if you cannot believe it right this moment and I believe in every single one of you. I can't stress it enough. 

My intentions are nothing but positive for you all because believe it or not, you all mean a huge amount to me. 

I am forever grateful for your support. 

Remember: you are important, don't let anybody tell you otherwise. 

I love you all beautifuls,

Sanyha xo

(30/03/16 12PM)

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